|
50
Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines
in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a sub genius.
7. Inject his/her twinkles with a mixture of Dexatrim and
MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away,
float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back
down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything
s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack
the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior,"
"Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that
it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with
the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to
bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it.
Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just
for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics
to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according
to what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom
of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash.
Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash
before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include
a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back
is turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage
due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do
so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions
that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under
there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame.
If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space,"
twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you
want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka,"
and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains,
explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures
class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.
If College Students Had Written The Bible
» Loaves and fishes
replaced by pizza and chips.
» Ten Commandments
are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced
and written in a large font, they look like ten.
» Forbidden fruit
would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
» Paul's letters
to the Romans become Paul's e-mail to the Romans.
» Reason Cain killed
Abel: They were roommates.
» The place where
the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon,
rather finals.
» Tower of Babel
blamed for foreign language requirement.
» Reason why Moses
and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want
to ask directions and look like a freshman.
» Instead of God
creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh,
He would have put it off until the night before it was due
and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
|
